If It's Love
by StandInTheRain42
Summary: Kate Beckett comes to some important revelations...Two swear words, but not the worst ones, wasn't sure how to rate it. Anyway, feedback appreciated. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, first things first, disclaimer. I DO NOT own Castle. If I did, there would be none of this clichéd avoidance dance, Beckett would have said yes instantly last summer and Doctor Motorcycle Boy would not even be a problem stomping on our poor Castle's heart. Not that he didn't do the exact same thing to her with Gina… Anyway, I know the proposal stories have been done, but I was thinking about it, and couldn't get the idea out of my head. So I wrote it. Who knows why I can only write proposal type fan fictions recently…Please read and review. Thanks!**

_Always_. It was amazing how a single word could turn her whole world on its ear.

The day started off normally enough. They had just closed a case, an investment banker killed by his wife after she caught him cheating on her with his secretary. Castle thought it was the oldest story in the book, but stuck with her throughout all the tedious little details. They finally managed to get the wife to confess, and had the initial report out of the way. Castle had gone home to have dinner with his mother and Alexis. Beckett was on her way to a restaurant with Josh, who, for once, was off shift at the same time that she was. He would have had to cancel their reservation had they not closed the case that night. So she put on her favorite black dress, and they drove to this nice Italian place they had been meaning to try for months.

They stopped at the front of the restaurant by the hostess, by a tall blonde woman in a slimming red dress that put all the other workers of the restaurant to shame. She smiled warmly upon their entrance, captivated by Josh and his obvious good looks. Beckett was used to this. It never really bothered her either, especially since Josh's eyes rarely strayed from her. Except for now. His eyes were not on the bombshell of a hostess, even as he told her the name on the reservation, but they were not on her either. Instead, he was looking at the floor. He continued to do so as the hostess led them to their table, him with his hand at the small of her back. He then sat across from her, occasionally looking up over his menu.

Soon they ordered their entrées, talking about random topics of no real importance. She told him a story about work, one that didn't involve Castle, since he always seemed to tense up at the mention of her partner's name. He laughed and smiled, but soon conversation topics became scarce. Luckily, that was exactly when the food arrived.

Josh was quiet again, and it was starting to unnerve her. She would ask a question, and he would answer, but his replies were short, too short for what he usually responded like. Finally, she asked.

"Okay, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Josh asked, startled.

"You're twitchy," she answered him, brow furrowing as she studied him further. It was true. His hands were shaking and he was fidgety.

"I am not," he said quietly. Then, he sighed, and reached out to take her hand. The corners of her mouth turned up a bit.

"Trained detective here, Josh," she told him playfully, earning a smile, "So, what's up?"

Josh was hesitating, she realized. And it had her worried. She ran the tip of her index finger lightly over his knuckles, eyes trained on him. Josh took a deep breath.

"Kate, we've been dating for a while now…" he started.

"Don't tell me you've brought me to a fancy restaurant to break up with me…" she said, watching his expression carefully as she asked this. It could be what he was doing, after all.

"No, no, nothing like that," he said, shaking his head at her. He reached out and cupped the side of her face tenderly, watching her with a peculiar intensity she didn't understand, "Actually quite the opposite.

Trained detective or not, Kate Beckett had not seen where this was going to go at all. There had been no hints, no warning signs. The entire state of her thought process right now could be summed up in two words: HOLY CRAP. This could not possibly mean what she thought it could mean.

"I love you, Kate. I love your brilliance and passion. I love your dedication to your work and the fact that you get so caught up you forget to feed yourself…"

Yeah, this was definitely going where she thought it was. She stared at him, as he shifted from his seat and dropped to one knee, fishing through the pockets of his coat for what she assumed was a little velvet box. He finally found it, cracking it open and holding it out for her.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Kate. Will you marry me?"

"Josh-I—"

"I know, what with our crazy schedules, it seems like it would be impossible. It's not. Katie, we can do this. Because there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be than with you. You and me, we could make it work. We always make it work."

_Always_.

And there it was. The word that changed everything. The word that brought her focus in an entirely different direction as sure as if the man who'd originally promised it was standing beside her. A man unlike any other she'd ever known. A man of impulsivity and recklessness, but of love and loyalty as well as hope and light. The man who understood her beyond words, thought enough to bring her coffee and a bear claw every morning. A man who'd run into a burning building to get her out, screaming out her name in pure terror as he darted through the inferno of an apartment.

Her mind flashed back to dozens of different memories…of Castle and his shenanigans that annoyed the hell out of her at first, but slowly grew on her. His writer vest, his unfailing knack to pull a conspiracy theory out of his ass at any moment. How he could make her laugh even when she felt like the world was coming down around her ears. They'd chased murderers and faced death more times than she could count, and not one of those times did he back down and run away. In the face of a dirty bomb, he stood at her side, holding her hand, and did the most Castle-like thing he could: used dumb luck to save her life. The man she'd finally been able to kiss, but had not pushed her afterwards, no matter how much he may have felt. She knew what she felt.

Love. That kiss, born of fear and desperation, sprouted passion and fire no one had ever sparked in her before. Not that this was a remarkable event for Castle. He was always doing that, pushing boundaries, pulling out the bricks of her emotional walls one by one until they could never be built against him again. When was it that she decided she was in love with Castle?

If she was being truly honest, it was probably the day she opened up to him about her mother's case. Her greatest weakness, her Achilles heel…and he'd never once used it against her. Instead, he went out of his way to give her closure.

The proposal of one man should not spark the revelation of love for another, at least not under normal circumstances, but it didn't seem to matter. Kate Beckett had found her one and done. Her always. And she was not planning on giving it up.

Fresh in the eyes of hope and peace, she looked back down at Josh. Reality was back, and it wasn't pleasant. To win the man she truly loved, she had to break the heart of this man. A man who was good and kind and compassionate. For this, she was truly sorry.

"I can't," she whispered, "I'm sorry." She was telling the truth. She did regret hurting him. But, in the end, she was setting him free. "I can't."

**A/N: Just for the record, Josh is blah personality in the show, so I had no clue how to write him. Sorry. Next chapter will be up very soon. This is where I'm going to end with Josh. Don't feel like making a scene out of it. Possibly later today or tomorrow is when I'll be posting the next part. CASKETT forever…no matter how demented that pairing name makes them sound.**


	2. Chapter 2

_What the hell am I doing? This is insane…_

Here she was, standing in front of the front door to Castle's loft, at ten in the morning on a Saturday, holding coffee and a box of donuts. After last night, she'd stumbled back to her apartment and tried to sleep, unsuccessfully, of course. The wheels were turning in her mind faster than none other and she'd finally decided what to do. It was only now that she was starting to panic.

A dozen different questions started bombarding her from the back of her mind, causing her to lose courage. At this rate, she was going to chicken out.

_What if he thinks I should have said yes? What if he doesn't say anything? What if he's not in love with me at all and I just threw away a perfectly good relationship for nothing? What if this is a repeat of last summer? What if he answers the door and some woman other than Alexis and Martha is here? What if he stops shadowing me?_

"_Breathe, Katie, just breathe_," a voice inside her insisted, one that sounded suspiciously like her mother. She tried to listen, sucking in a few quick breaths trying to calm her nerves. It was hard. Or, rather, it was impossible. At that exact moment, Castle chose to open the door.

"Beckett!" he chirped excitedly. But she was frozen.

_Speak, Kate…otherwise he's going to start freaking out as to why you're standing at his front door, not breathing…_

"Hey, Castle…" she managed to greet unsteadily.

"Well, hello…" he greeted her, a wide smile on his face that put all her fears at ease for the moment. Amazing how she went from pure terror to relief with just one of his smiles. She smiled back, "to what to I owe the pleasure, Detective?"

"I…umm, can I come in?" she asked. He stepped aside, gesturing her into his apartment.

"Of course," he told her, then took a moment to study her, "Kate, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine…" she mumbled, "I brought you guys donuts and coffee…but, what happened to Martha and Alexis?"

"Mother's out somewhere with Lance Hastings," he said, though he flinched slightly at this thought, causing her to laugh, "something to do with her school…Alexis is out shopping with Paige."

"Are you busy?"

"If by busy you mean, trying to write and instead playing Majong Titans, then, yes, I am busy."

"Majong Titans, huh," she teased, and he chuckled.

"Clearly, I'm making progress…please tell me you have something more interesting for me to do…"

So many possibilities popped into her head at that exact moment, but none were exactly what he'd been implying just now. For once, it was her mind in the gutter.

"Not really, no," she replied, "Sorry."

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked. She watched with curiosity as the fingers of his right hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to her. She looked up at him, and saw concern, even fear in those brilliant eyes of his. She took a deep breath, sliding into the seat behind the counter.

Now or never.

"I didn't sleep well," she admitted. Castle sat down next to her.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Josh asked me to marry him," she answered.

Had she had any doubts coming to the loft today, about how he felt about her, they dissolved the moment she saw the expression of complete and utter heartbreak flash across Richard Castle's face. And had she not been looking at him directly as she said that, she may not have seen it. Because as quickly as the expression appeared, it was hidden. He cleared his throat, forcing a smile that was almost, but not quite convincing.

"Wow," he said, "that's, umm…amazing. Congratulations!" She shook her head at him, smiling. She turned herself on the stool where she sat, laying a hand on his knee. He looked up at her, pain flooding his gaze, but he tried to keep his smile in place.

What would have happened, she wondered, if she had said yes to Josh? If she truly came to tell Castle she was marrying another man. It reminded her of how he'd bowed out when it came to Demming last year. She knew, in truth, it was her fault for waiting so long. But she'd been so convinced that Castle's feelings for her were shallow. It was only since he returned she began to realize otherwise. She'd tried to ignore it, because she thought that she and Castle had missed their chance. And then there was Josh, a man she did genuinely care about.

She'd never loved Josh. It may have been possible, three years before, before she'd dragged the cocky, brilliant author into her interrogation room for the first time. Before she ever fell in love with Richard Castle. He is a tough act to follow.

Had Josh ever really stood a chance? The answer was simple. No.

Josh didn't know her. He didn't stand by her side when her world was crumbling and make her smile. He didn't annoy her like no other man could, nor did he have the ability to make her laugh no matter how she was feeling. He was not Richard Castle. And Richard Castle, she realized, was just what she needed.

"Who said that I said yes," she replied, grinning. Castle looked startled.

"But, why?" he asked. Beckett merely kept smiling. Then got up from the stool and stood in front of him. She placed herself in between his legs and reached out, taking the tip of her index finger lightly from his hairline to his chin. He watched her, breathing shallow, afraid to move.

"Rick…"

She moved closer and brushed her lips over his lightly. Just once, and then twice, before she let herself get caught up in the feeling of kissing Richard Castle. He caught up with her quickly after that, one hand threading through her hair as the other wound around her back, pulling her closer. They stayed that way for a few more moments before pulling away from one another, breathless.

That had been so much better than the kiss outside the warehouse. It wasn't frantic, or fear-driven, or full of adrenaline and lust. It was hopeful, passionate, and tender. Beckett smiled, pulling away so she could actually see his expression.

"Does that answer your question?" she asked. He looked at her, awestruck, and the corners of his mouth began to turn up. The arm around her back loosens, but doesn't release her. His other hand is resting on her hip.

"Plainly," he answered, somewhat breathless, "But it might require some elaboration, if you please." She grinned at him.

"Last summer, before you left, Javi said something rather insightful…"

"Esposito, insightful?" he joked. She smiled, tipping her head to the side and adjusting her hands from his shoulders to his neck, one hand playing with his hair.

"It was a good moment for him," she replied, "Anyway, he said that you have enough research for a hundred books…yet you stuck around anyway…he also said, that you didn't stick around just so you could watch me with another guy."

Castle was remembering, she knew. He looked sad.

"I just want you to be happy," he mumbled. She cupped his face in her hand and stroked his cheek.

"Oh, I know," she answered him, "And I realized this. You remember when I took you aside, and was going to tell you something?"

"Yes."

"I was going to say yes. To you and to the Hamptons…but then Gina walked up. And when you walked away, I felt like I was never going to see you again."

"Kate—"

"That night as the precinct, after the bomb, you were going to say something. I don't know what it was, but I had a feeling it was significant. But then the same thing happened. We keep having these moments…but the universe doesn't want us to continue them, so they just cut us off. When Josh asked me to marry him, all that flashed through my mind was you walking out of the precinct that day. Only, this time, in my head, you were walking out for good. And that thought scared me, more than the prospect of dying ever has. It suddenly dawned on me that I already have someone to dive into things with me. Someone who is always there for me. And he's the only man I want." "What I'm trying to say…is that somewhere in the middle of all murder and bickering, I fell in love with you. I know that might be going a little fast—"

Castle's lips crashed on hers, effectively silencing any lingering doubts.

"You call three years fast?" he mumbled against her mouth afterwards. She laughed.

"Maybe…"

His hand brushed back her hair over her shoulder, cupping her face in his.

"My extraordinary Kate Beckett…I love you, too."


End file.
